I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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