Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
