He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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