YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
