Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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