i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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