More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
