If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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