don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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