my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
