I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
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