Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
