all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
