I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
