i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
