Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
