Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize