I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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