im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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