Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
