I feel great
I just peed on a car
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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