So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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