Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
