I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
