i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize