why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
