If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
