I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
This show inspires me to have sex in space
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
