before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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