I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
