I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm like, not good at living.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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