I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
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I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
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arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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