You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
My ass is underappreciated
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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