And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
