i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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