Pappa wants mamma naked
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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