all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I just blew my weed a kiss
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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