i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
