remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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