i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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