apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
