Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
