he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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