i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
