Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
