At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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