so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
