I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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