woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
