Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
