Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
