Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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