So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
