like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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