She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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